Five Minute Friday: Enough

It’s been so long since I’ve written and been such a long week I feel like I could write for 5 hours and not have it be enough! So writing today for Five Minute Fridays. Perhaps a continuation tomorrow.'Baby Feet' photo (c) 2011, Katelyn Kenderdine - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

GO.

Why does it never feel like what I do is enough? Like anything anyone does is enough.

My mom breastfed us all, she doesn’t wear aluminum deodorant. She eats healthy, she exercises. Yet, yes that lump they found? It is cancer. Again, “it’s small, it’s nothing, it’ll be fine.” Once again, I’ve heard that before and it wasn’t true. My heart beats a bit faster. It wasn’t enough.

I gently place heels to toes to paper. Perfect ink footprints. The only thing this mom with take home with her. Healthy pregnancy, perfect, but perfectly still baby. I take pictures, I help my friend and coworker and I walk back into my patient’s room to just sit and listen to the steady babum babum of the ultrasound on her baby. I have flashbacks all week and  I wonder if I did enough. Why what she did wasn’t enough.

I work too much, am too tired and feel like my babies childhood is flashing before my eyes. I struggle with guilt from bygone mistakes. The debt of our youth, convicted to pay for it now, sadly, the sacrifices cost more now too. I oscillate daily wondering what is more pleasing to God, to be debt free or to stop putting money first. Somehow I’m doing too much yet not enough.

I ache with frustration. Every night seems to be a struggle. I lie and wrestle with thoughts in my head, never feeling like what I’m doing is enough. Wanting to stop the merry go round and get off for just one moment to catch my breath, to pray a prayer. I feel my walk away from institutional church more acutely in some of these moments. I wish I could walk through a door of someone’s whose job it is to listen to me, to pray for me. I miss ladies bible study “pray time”. A place to unburden, to share the burden.

Who will pray for me? Who will listen? So I try to do too much, again never feeling like enough. I know I am not enough and was never meant to be, but I can’t seem to let go. I always did learn things the hard way.

STOP.

Five Minute Friday

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  • A Nonny Mouse

    I know how you feel. Exactly how you feel. And yet, I know that you have touched more lives, done more for people, than you will ever know or could possibly imagine. God has put people in your path, and now that they have met you, or known you for a short while, or even for a long time, their lives have been blessed by you.

    Father, bless this sister with peace, and help her to find time away with You, so You can help her see she is walking where You want her to walk, doing what You want her to do, but most importantly, being what You want her to be. Help her let go of those things that aren’t for now, and help her to say “no” when she needs to.

    You’re a blessing. Don’t forget it!

    • http://sacredeveryday.ca/ Jenn

      Thank you. I needed a little prayer today.

  • grantham lynn

    Sweet sister I don’t have the words. Please read the first comment she expresses much of what I wanted to say.
    I wish I could say more. All I can say is I understand because that is where I am. My ‘enough’ post today expressed my saddness etc. All I can do is as suggested to you to stand firm, wait, be patient. And do just what you did. Get it out. And ask for prayer. I hope you get lots of encouragement today. Stand firm. You are loved.

    • http://sacredeveryday.ca/ Jenn

      It really does help to get it out. I love these 5 minutes….it just kind of pours!

  • http://profiles.google.com/mc.mike.nz Mike McArthur

    Hi Jenn,
    It sounds like you do the best you are able to at the time – that is enough. You keep on going, day after difficult day. Keep seeking God, and community and asking for prayer. Christian community is changing as society changes around us, these words of yours here are part of Christian community.